Getting There
by Lli
Summary: The sexual education of Artemis Fowl. Includes: a steep learning curve, multiple partners, too much gin, too much coffee, Oscar Wilde, pithy commentary from Minerva Paradizo, an unsurprising Holly Short cameo, and a sappy happy ending. Set several years after the series. And, despite the characters listed, I'm afraid there's no A/M. She's in love with Butler. Come on, people.
1. Chapter 1

Alright, well, this was supposed to be both a German essay, a presentation on the Unnatural Father in folktales, and a few hours spent studying for a midterm but, somehow, I ended up with this instead. I'm pretty sure it's the love child of a conversation about kraken (though it's not really, truly kraken-bait) and a chapter of HolidayBoredom's 'Short Circuits'. I'm sure you can guess which one, if you've read it. It was also an excuse to write more Minerva who, after all these years of hatred, I now adore. Mostly because of Butler. Which reminds me: this has nothing to do with any of my B/M fics, so please disregard that backstory, despite similarities.

I'm not sure how I feel about the quality of this piece over all but it's _definitely_ better than studying adjective endings or writing essays about the GDR so, if you need to do either of those things, please feel free to read this instead. Also, this is the longest (and possibly worst) chapter of this little mini-series. The rest will be _quite_ a bit shorter. And, of course, if you don't like sex (though it won't be horrendously graphic, let's be honest), or people talking about sex (because, if you're having it, you should probably also be talking about it) please don't read this, it will only make you sad.

And now, the story!

* * *

Getting There

April 7th

Minerva swayed towards him, expertly dodging both the dancing and the simply drunk. The strobe lights made a metal out of her blonde hair.

When she reached him, she mimicked his position, leaning back, elbows propped up on the counter behind. Thus settled, she gave him an unimpressed once-over. "You're just lucky the vest-and-tie look is back in fashion," was all she said.

Artemis looked vaguely affronted. "I'm _here_, aren't I? What more do you want?"

Minerva blew out her cheeks as though pondering a heavy question. "Enthusiasm?" she ventured at last. "Maybe even a little dancing? The sky's the limit, really."

"I don't dance," huffed Artemis.

Minerva rolled her eyes. "I didn't invite you here so that you could sulk publicly instead of privately, Artemis. I invited you here so that you could have a good time. Live a little. Try something new for once."

"Is that why _you're_ here then? To try something new?"

Minerva looked momentarily offended, but laughed it off, leaning closer to whisper in his ear. "I don't need to try something new," she purred, "I have what _I_ want."

"But not all the time," Artemis shot back. "Maybe you're getting lonely?"

Minerva leaned back, looking down into her drink. "Artemis, _cheri_, I know you want her. I know it's eating you up inside, etc., etc., and I know that you're so sexually frustrated you may explode at any moment, but don't take it out on me. You can't have her, at least not right now. And as your father, in his infinite wisdom, has taken _my_ lover off to America, ghastly vulgar country that it is, we have no other option but drink too much, dance with strangers until nearly sated, and then stumble drunkenly to bed to dream, alone, of those we long to hold. So," she snagged a glass of something fruit-studded off the tray of a passing waiter and held it out to him, "a toast?"

"To what?"

"To getting what we want," said Minerva and clinked her glass to his. Artemis shrugged and downed his drink as she did.

"You really do love him." Artemis picked out the skewer of fruit and slid off a strawberry with his teeth.

"I really do. But, unlike you, I know how to keep myself amused when alone. Therefore, _mon cher_, I suggest you do as Juliet says and 'man up'. Which means no more moping. It's boring. It's," Minerva waved her hand around, searching for something more insulting, "predictable."

Artemis flinched as though struck. "Alright, alright," he sulked, "I'll play along. There's no call for _that_."

Minerva chuckled, laying a hand on his arm. "Who knows, Artemis, you may even enjoy yourself."

Artemis snorted and ate a grape, further denuding his fruit skewer.

With a little wave, Minerva left him, wading off into the crowd. Mutinously, Artemis watched her go. At some point in time Minerva had gone from a snotty, insecure brat to an empowered, confident woman. He wasn't sure when it had happened, but it galled him to have her treat him like a child. It galled him even more that he was envious of this transformation.

He scanned the crowd. The swaying lights made it difficult to pick out individuals. He grimaced and took another passing drink.

"Hey." A girl flopped against the counter next to him. He looked at her out of the corner of his eye: curvy, wearing something short made of turquoise sequins, long brown hair. Not ugly. He sighed. _I hope you're watching, Minerva._

"Hello," he said.

"Some party, yeah? Minnie, she doesn't skimp, does she? _Love_ them! Could not _believe_ it, heard a rumour that she had, like, some full time boyfriend and _that_ was why she hadn't had a party in so long, you know? What's it been, anyway? Like, six months? _Anyway_, can't be true though or he'd be here, would'nee?"

Artemis wanted to ask 'Have you ever heard of the full stop?' but said instead, "Mmm," non-committally.

That was good enough for the girl. "I know, right? She was probably just off doing something clever, you how she gets sometimes, all genius-y."

"Mmm," said Artemis again.

"What are you drinking?" The girl lurched into him, trying to peer into his glass.

"I'm not entirely certain, actually." Artemis wriggled his nose, trying to get her hair out of his face. "The last one was some sort of punch concoction but I think this one may be whiskey."

"Oh, blech, gross." The brunette made a face. Leaning into his arm, she looked up at him through her lashes. "I suppose you'll taste like it now too, won't you?"

Artemis looked down at the girl. She had enormous brown eyes. He sighed again. He felt like the lead in a badly scripted play. "I suppose there's only one way to find out, isn't there?"

"You talk cute," she giggled before kissing him.

_No, I 'talk' correctly._

* * *

Sometime after the whiskey, between the dance floor and the bedroom floor, there had been a substantial amount of gin. He knew he would regret it in the morning. Just at that moment, however, he was (much to his own surprise) enjoying himself too much to care.

It would be hard, he supposed at one point, to be a teenage boy of ambiguous sexual orientation and not enjoy having such a lovely, jiggly, creamy-skinned playmate. Her body lay below him, spread out for him like toys on the floor. Her breasts bounced with every thrust and her pale legs tightened around him. She cried out near the end, urging him one.

So, while the experience itself was not epic in length, nor entirely graceful in its execution, it was nonetheless extremely satisfying.

Afterwards, he stood next to the bed re-tying his tie and watching the girl – Bethany, it turned out – sleep. She had giggled too much, and smelled heavily of perfume, but her body had been warm and soft and, most gratifying of all, she had wanted him. He had never realised that being wanted could be such an aphrodisiac. Feeling nearly fond of the girl, he brushed a curl from her face and kissed her forehead before leaving.

Out in the hall the floor still rumbled with bass. He tugged his phone from a pocket and checked the time. After three. He groaned and turned down the hall, taking the back stairs to the kitchen. His head felt heavy and thick and, between the alcohol and the exercise, he was desperate for water.

In the kitchen it was dark and blessedly quiet. Fumbling on the light, he poured himself a glass of water straight from the sink, foregoing his usual finickiness. The water hit his throat like heaven on earth and he drank the glass in one go, sighing at the end. He turned on the kettle and flipped open cabinets, hunting until he found the coffee. As he waited for the kettle to whistle he drank another three glasses of water, each one more beautiful than the last.

He was standing in the white glow of the open fridge, deciding between cream and milk, when Minerva came in.

"Hiding?" she asked.

"Recuperating," he replied.

She raised her eyebrows. "That bad?"

"No, surprisingly pleasant, all things considered. But I'm afraid I over indulged on the way. If I never see another gin and tonic, I will die a happy man."

"Ah," said Minerva. "Who was the lucky girl?" She gave him another once-over. "Lucky boy?"

"Girl," replied Artemis evenly. "Bethany, I believe her name was."

"Ends all of her sentences with questions?"

"Yes."

"She's quite pretty," said Minerva, looking a little impressed.

"Such a tone of surprise," sniffed Artemis.

"Not at all, I expect nothing but the best from you. Enough coffee for two?" Minerva crossed to the steeping press.

"More than, I'm sure."

"Well, since you're not planning on sleeping, let's go up to your room and watch the sunrise," said Minerva, taking two mugs from a cupboard. "It won't be so long now and your room has the best view for it."

"Alright. If you think you can keep yourself from me."

"One girl succumbs and he thinks he's irresistible. Just like a man. Here, take the press and let's go, Casanova."

* * *

As they settled themselves on two wood-and-cushion deck chairs, the horizon was only just beginning to pale.

"Sunrise will be a while yet," noted Artemis.

"Gives us plenty of time to catch up." Minerva fished a pack of cigarettes from her cardigan pocket.

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "You smoke?"

"No," she said, lighting up.

"And yet..."

"Only at these things, after I've been drinking." She waved a hand dismissively.

"Does Butler know?"

"He's not my father, Artemis."

"I don't recall saying he was. But he _is_ very health-conscious."

Minerva rolled her eyes, exhaling smoke into the whitening sky. "As much as I'd rather he didn't, yes, he knows. I used to be a lot worse."

Artemis sipped his milky coffee contemplatively. Minerva, a true Frenchwoman, drank hers black.

"What was it like?" Artemis asked suddenly.

"Pardon?"

"Losing your virginity."

"Losing my virginity?" she repeated, taken off guard.

"Yes. Was it ... enjoyable?"

"Obviously, this is Butler we're talking about."

"I don't need to know details," Artemis said hurriedly.

She chuckled around her cigarette. "It hurt briefly, but I believe it almost always does with girls. Hymens, you know."

"Pesky things," agreed Artemis.

"Totally inconsiderate, if you want my opinion."

"I nearly always do," he smiled.

"Good, because I'm about to give it to you again: unless your partner is Butler - who is by all accounts a miracle worker - I believe common consensus is that the first time is nearly always forgettable so far as proficiency is concerned. I wouldn't worry about it too much, if I were you."

"I wasn't thinking about proficiency." Artemis sipped his coffee and looked out at the horizon.

"Ah, I see." Minerva stubbed out her cigarette. "Let me quote a little Wilde for you, _mon cher, _to put things into perspective. Well, paraphrase. He once wrote that men always want to be a woman's first lover and a woman always wants to be a man's last. As a woman, I can assure you that at least half of that is true. And, as Wilde was a man - and one that was at least occasionally interested in women - I assume he is correct about the other half as well. Do you see what I'm getting at here?"

Artemis nodded.

"Good. Because trust me, when the big day comes and you finally get your hands on her pretty little body - don't look at me like that, you're the one who fantasies about her, not me – you'll be extremely happy that you got in a bit of practice first. Wilde was a very clever man."

"Well, he was Irish. It goes without saying."

Minerva laughed. "_Mais serieusement_, Artemis, do me a favour?"

"Possibly."

She rolled her eyes. "Just remember that getting there is half the fun, alright?"

"So I'm beginning to realise," he said with his wicked smile.


	2. Chapter 2

Like I said, most of these will be quite short. Enjoy!

* * *

April 23rd

Marjorie just wanted to play. She took his hands and guided them places he'd never have thought to put them. She was lovely to touch, everything so soft and inviting. She let him lick and kiss and suck and do as he liked, while she sighed on the pillows. She even tasted lovely, which surprised him.

Eventually, she turned him on his back and licked and kissed and sucked until he had come quite undone.

* * *

In the kitchen he looked at his reflection in the dark window panes, one hand on his lips. Minerva came in, her bright hair filling up the glass.

"Marjorie?"

"Mm."

She nodded slowly. "I kissed her once."

"Really?" Artemis turned to look at her.

"Really. When we were younger. I was in school with her for a year. She had such beautiful lips. But another girl saw us and told everyone and that was the end of that."

"Did you enjoy it?"

Minerva smiled a little dreamily.


	3. Chapter 3

Another short one. And a cheap gag.

* * *

May 10th

Marie-Louise looked like an angel. The blonde haired, blue eyed, bow-mouthed kind that grandmothers collect miniature ceramic figurines of for their window sills. As she had led him upstairs, her big blue eyes looking back at him, coy over her shoulder, he had thought: _this will be nice. _

He barely got the door closed before she slammed him into it, her mouth already on his. It wasn't unpleasant, just a little shocking. She pressed herself up against him, her breasts squished against his chest. Never having been the kind to things halfheartedly, Artemis responded in kind, his long fingers kneading and squeezing.

They fell to floor and she pressed him down, one hand on his chest. "One sec," she said, scampering out of his line of sight.

"I didn't bring much of my stuff with me," said her disembodied voice from behind him. He heard a rummaging sound.

"I'm sure it won't-"

"But of course I never go anywhere without the basics." More rummaging.

"No, of course not..." Bemused, Artemis frowned up at the ceiling. It had no answers for him.

"Ah! Got it!"

Something snapped through the air behind him and Artemis' eyes opened very wide.

* * *

Minerva knocked on his door around five in the morning.

He answered it in only his trousers. Even in the weak light she could see the rug burns on his torso, and the red marks on his wrists.

"Recuperating?" she asked, one eyebrow raised.

"You have no idea," he replied.

"I meant to warn you about Marie-Louise," she said.

"Timing has never been your strongest suite," he acknowledged.


	4. Chapter 4

I forgot to disclaim at the beginning of this so, just in case any of you were confused, I am not, in fact, Eoin Colfer writing semi-smut for free when I could be writing action-adventure for money.

* * *

May 26th

Coco was skinny. He wished he could say slender and be kind about it, but she wasn't slender, she was skinny. He thought maybe she would go easy on him, neither of them being built for great feats of strength. Once again, however, he was wrong.

He held on to her long skinny thighs for dear life as she bucked and moaned above him, her dark hair flapping and snapping behind her like a banner in the wind. She leaned down and bit the pale skin of his neck, sucking and nipping until, gasping, he met her frenzied pace.

She swore as she came, and her movements becoming even more rapid, as though daring him to come as well. He did and was doubly thankful for it, his screaming muscles at once going limp.

Rolling of him, Coco wasn't even out of breath. From the drawer of the bedside table she drew a pack of cigarettes. Lighting one, she blew the smoke towards the ceiling.

"You're new to these parties, aren't you?" she said.

"Relatively," he managed.

"How do you know Minerva?"

"Ah... a business trip a few years ago."

"You're not her mystery boyfriend, are you?"

"I – wha – _no_. No, no I most am definitely not."

"Well, you never know these days, poly-amory's back in style again."

"Is it?"

"Yeah."

"I will bear that in mind."

"Do you know her mystery boyfriend?"

"I wasn't aware she _had_ a mystery boyfriend." He waved smoke away from his face.

"Yeah, well, we think she does. She dropped off the map for ages and Pierre says he saw her with some guy at the Negresco but they must have broken it off because she's back again. Everyone wants to know who it is though. Must be married or something or she'd have introduced him to us. That would so like Minerva to go for some old guy."

"Would it?"

"Sure, she's, like, twenty going on forty-five. I mean, she doesn't show it at these things but she is."

* * *

He heard her come in but couldn't bring himself to get up. The coffee tray rattled a little as she walked. He smiled to himself.

"Coffee?" Minerva set the tray on the table next to him.

He looked up at her from where he lay collapsed on a deck chair.

"Thank you," he said, his voice unusually gentle.


	5. Chapter 5

With thanks to my wonderful beta, the one and only ilex-ferox.

* * *

June 5th

Jean-Jacques spread his hands across Artemis' chest. His hands were large and long-fingered and oh so warm. He wasn't much older than Artemis but he was built on a much more solid scale, dwarfing Artemis' delicate limbs. Everything about Jean-Jacques was golden and bright with sweat in the dim glow of the bathroom light.

The bass was still audible in this room and it throbbed through their bodies as they wrapped themselves around each other. Jean-Jacques' mouth was hot, melting Artemis' skin below it as it made its way around and down. Artemis swallowed and licked his lips. It was strange, he thought, as the mouth moved lower still, how strangers had come to know him more intimately than any one he actually cared for. Touch was such a lush, luxurious thing, but he had always written it off as an unnecessary indulgence. Now he was unprepared and taken by storm.

Afterwards, in the silky sweaty sheets, Jean-Jacques smoked a thinly rolled joint while Artemis recovered his composure.

Wordlessly, the other boy held out the joint. Artemis took a drag and handed it back, the sour smoke filling his head. He managed not to cough.

* * *

The sky was beginning to pale when he left Jean-Jacques. He walked the hall slowly, hands in pockets. He didn't see Minerva until she was upon him.

"Artemis!" She was carrying her ridiculous heels in one hand but she still teetered unsteadily as she walked. "Not in bed yet?"

"Just going now," he answered, laying a steadying hand on her arm.

Minerva looked past him, up the hall. "That's Jean-Jacques' room up there," she said.

"Yes."

She met his eyes and smiled crookedly. "Lucky boy," she murmured. "All the girls downstairs are hopelessly in love with him, you know. And I mean _hopelessly_. Tell me it was as good as it looks?"

"You're incorrigible," said Artemis, leading her down the hall. "Besides," he sniffed, "a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell."

"Thank goodness you're not one of those, then," said Minerva.

Artemis pouted.

* * *

In the kitchen, he set the kettle to boil and poured Minerva a tall glass of water. She drank greedily.

"You're quite drunk," Artemis observed.

"You're quite the genius," Minerva shot back.

"Is something wrong?"

"No." Minerva held out her glass for more water.

Artemis obliged. "Are you certain?"

"_Quite_."

Artemis rolled his eyes.

"You still haven't told me about Jean-Jacques, Artemis. Indulge a girl, won't you?"

"Come up to my room. I want to drink this coffee in peace."

"Then will you tell me?"

"Yes. Cross my heart, etc., etc."

"Such enthusiasm."

* * *

They settled themselves on his balcony, in the same wood-and-cushion chairs. The sun was closer to the horizon now, pink had begun to seep into the sky.

"Well?" asked Minerva as she leaned back with her coffee.

"I pity the girls who will never know such bliss," said Artemis with a crooked grin.

"I _knew_ it."

For a moment, they sipped in peace, both watching the sky. Artemis broke the silence.

"I think I might have been more inclined that way, if I'd had the choice."

"Who isn't inclined to Jean-Jacques?"

"That's not what I mean. Though Jean-Jacques does make a strong case."

"Mmm," agreed an appreciative Minerva. "Mind you, as pretty as Jean-Jacques is, your research into the matter is hardly exhaustive. You'll have to broaden your sample a little, at the very least."

Artemis chuckled. "Too true. I _must_ try to be more thorough in future. How fortunate you seem to be having so many parties of late."

"Mmm," said Minerva frowning, apparently less taken with the idea of parties than she was with that of Jean-Jacques. She changed the subject. "What did you mean, 'if you'd had the choice'?"

"Hmm?"

"You said you thought you'd probably rather men, if you'd had the choice."

"Oh. Simply that the question of my sexual orientation was made redundant before it even had the chance to be raised. Male, female, human, elf. When it comes to her, none of it matters to me."

Minerva looked at him, her blue eyes reflecting the sky. "You're a very curious individual, Artemis Fowl."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," she said, and turned back to the sunrise.


	6. Chapter 6

Short and sweet. Also, a side note, I've read at least two stories recently that mentioned Doodah Day and Mulch getting together and, for come unknown reason, this pairing makes me extremely happy.

Thanks to the lovely ilex-ferox.

* * *

June 17th

Guillaume wasn't gentle like Jean-Jacques. He kept Artemis' arms pinned above his head, holding them down with his own, their fingers tightly intertwined. As the other man moved above him, Artemis panted and gasped and moaned and nearly lost his mind completely. But Guillaume just chuckled, biting Artemis' shoulder and pushing harder. Artemis wanted to feel embarrassed by his loss of control, but he was too busy enjoying himself.

* * *

"You're looking a bit peaky," said Minerva.

"I feel fine," Artemis replied, shifting delicately on his seat.

"So fine that you couldn't make it downstairs to make you own coffee?"

"I'm just tired, that's all."

"Tired and sore?"

Artemis made an unidentifiable noise. "I never want to move again," he moaned.

"Worth it?"

"Oh yes."


	7. Chapter 7

Gold star if you know where these names come from!

Beta-ed by the one and only ilex-ferox.

* * *

July 9th

They were both beautiful girls. Laughing, they said they'd met in the Galeries Lafayette when they were five and had been inseparable ever since.

"Funnily enough," Claudine said, hooking a finger into the top of her lacy panties, "that's where I bought these."

Colette seemed to find this hilarious and collapsed next to Artemis, giggling uncontrollably. Grinning, Claudine braced herself above the two of them, her breasts swinging to brush his chest. As if at some unspoken signal, Colette stopped laughing, her head rising from the pillows. Two sets of eyes focussed on him, pupils dark and dilated. Claudine bit her lip. Artemis smiled his vampire smile.

* * *

"It was fun but a little crowded. And now I'm out of rubbers," he pouted.

"I wouldn't've been able to keep their names straight," she said, unsympathetic.


	8. Chapter 8

One day I'll get to the point of all this. Really. I swear.

Beta-ed by the fabulous ilex-ferox.

* * *

July 24th

Luc was too flamboyant for Artemis' taste. On the other hand, Artemis was very clearly to Luc's taste.

Besides, thought Artemis, as he braced himself on Luc's shoulders, it was so wonderfully satisfying to be the object of someone's desire. Luc panted and gasped and moaned beneath him - as he himself had once done beneath Guillaume - and Artemis smiled; all of this touching and feeling and coming undone. He was Artemis Fowl II, for heaven's sake. He might make others moan, but he _certainly_ didn't do it himself. Enough was enough.

* * *

"Luc doesn't seem your type."

_That's the problem with geniuses_, thought Artemis, _they always see straight through you._

"He's not."

"Then why bother with him?"

"You're such a cold, calculating girl, Minerva, really." Artemis stirred sugar into his coffee.

"No, I just know you too well, _chéri_."

Artemis acknowledged this with a smile. "Perhaps my ego needed stroking."

"Among other things," Minerva shot back.

"Among other things," Artemis agreed.


	9. Chapter 9

Almost there, folks.

Beta-ed by the lovely ilex-ferox.

P. - Possibly, but I don't think _his_ would wander without permission.

* * *

August 10th

He had picked Suzanne because he liked Leonard Cohen. He mentioned this to her but she frowned in confusion. He kissed her to cover the awkward pause.

He also liked her dark skin and her flaming red hair. It was obviously dyed, but it pleased him nonetheless. He complimented her on it and she brightened, saying she just _loved_ Rihanna. It was his turn to frown in confusion. She got up and straddled his lap to cover the awkward pause.

From there on in, everything went smoothly.

The skin of her back was smooth beneath his hands and the curve of her hips, as they rose to meet his, was to die for. He smiled lazily, watching the flame of her hair bob as he thrust, watching her hands fist in the sheets as she moaned. His eyes nearly shut, he let his imagination wander.

* * *

"You're sucking up," said Minerva as he set down the coffee tray.

"What on earth do you mean?" Artemis looked up from pouring.

"You know I'm going to have something scathing to say about your choice of partner and you're trying to butter me up by making the coffee yourself."

"Hardly. If you have something scathing to say I'm well aware a little coffee won't stand in your way."

"Too true." Minerva stirred her coffee, sipped, and sighed contentedly.

Artemis waited, eyebrows raised.

"Honestly, I'm just surprised it took you this long."


	10. Chapter 10

Time for something a little more upbeat. And, no, I'm sorry, this isn't really a chapter. But gosh, I love Butler and Minerva.

Ilex-ferox is, as per usual, the world's most fabulous beta.

* * *

August 25th

"Just come, won't you? It's the last of them, I promise. I _swear_."

"On what?" Artemis' voice was sceptical over the phone.

"On my newly signed contract with Trinity College."

"Your _what_?" He looked across the table to Butler. "Butler, why didn't you tell me—"

"Shut _up_, Artemis!"

"But I thought he knew _every_thing?" Artemis drawled.

"Stop being a prat. It's a surprise."

"I have things to do," Artemis grumbled.

"It's the last one. Don't leave me all alone."

"Alright, alright. I'll fly down tonight."

"Pass the phone to Butler?"

"No, I have no desire to sit here while you coo at my bodyguard in that sickeningly saccharine way only the truly nauseatingly in love can produce. Honestly, the two of you are—"

The line went dead. Put out, Artemis frowned down at his phone.

Across the table, Butler's mobile rang. "I should probably get that," he said, trying not to smile.

"Bah!" said Artemis, and went to pack.


	11. Chapter 11

Ta da! The Grand Finale. At last.

With thanks, as always, to the lovely ilex-ferox.

* * *

August 26th

He was watching a redhead dance when Minerva joined him.

"Ah, yes, Vianne," she said, following his line of sight. "Planning to go out in style are you?"

Artemis' lips twitched. "Something like that." He sipped his drink thoughtfully. "You know, I believe I may have over-indulged these past few months. The thrill has begun to wane."

"Oh, you're only sulking because I made fun of you over Suzanne. You just need to try something different, Claudette and Pierre are looking to expand their horizons."

"Perhaps." Artemis sighed, scanning the crowd with indifference. "Perhaps," he repeated.

Minerva shrugged. "Well, I'm off to play the good hostess. Don't spend the night lurking, it's not becoming."

"What a pity you won't be able to continue these parties once you start at Trinity," he said suddenly. He seemed sincere but there was a something in his voice that gave Minerva pause. She turned to look back at him but he was gazing into the depths of his whiskey.

"Artemis—"

"Surely no one would expect it of you. After all, Ireland's so far off and the weather's simply horrible," he continued lightly, interrupting her. His voice was conversational but his mouth twitched.

She smiled. "And I'll have an absolutely _tiny_ flat," she sighed exaggeratedly. "But it's _such_ an opportunity for me, you must realise. Everyone has to grow up one day, _chéri_."

Artemis nodded. "What a shame." Then, raising his glass to her with a smile, he said, "I'm surprised you didn't think of it sooner."

"I had, but they took ages with my paperwork."

"Bureaucrats!" Artemis _tsk_-ed, shaking his head.

She kissed his cheek fondly. "Enjoy yourself, Artemis."

"Coffee and sunrise?"

"What do you think is getting me through?"

Artemis laughed.

* * *

It was still dark when Artemis sank, exhausted, onto a deck chair. He stretched his legs out in front of him, watching the lights of the town below. His balcony really did have a lovely view.

"Busy night?"

"Oh good _God_!" Artemis clutched at his heart.

On the balcony rail across from him stood Holly. She grinned.

"Don't hurt yourself now, Fowl."

"What are you _doing_ here?"

"I came to say happy birthday. I'm a bit early, but I don't think I'll get another chance to do it in person." She eyed his rumpled clothes and hastily tied tie. "You look a mess."

"It's been a ... long ... night. How did you know I was here? Foaly?"

"Butler, actually. You weren't picking up so I called him. He gave me your window and everything. The man takes his job seriously. I wasn't going to come but he ... uh... he said I wouldn't be interrupting anything. I'm not, am I?" Holly's eyes flicked past him into his darkened room.

"Interrupting? No, I never bring them to my room." He said it without thinking.

"Them?" Holly raised an eyebrow. "How does Minerva feel about that?"

"Minerva? Why would she care where I - oh. _Oh_." He clicked his tongue, "For heaven's sake, I'm not involved with _Minerva._" Unconsciously, he pulled a face.

"You're not?" Something odd came into Holly's voice.

"No, goodness, of course not. She's madly in love with Butler. Didn't you know?"

"Bu – no. No, I did not know."

"Has been for years now."

"I ... see. Right. Well, if not Minerva, then who?"

"Oh, different people. Lately I've been ... seeing ... rather a lot of people actually. Tonight it was Claudette and Paul. No, Pierre. Sorry, I've had a bit to drink."

"Yes, I can smell that."

"Of course."

They sat in awkward silence for a moment, each gauging the other.

Holly licked her lips. "So, did you enjoy yourself? With Claudette and Pierre, I mean."

Artemis shrugged. "Yes. But my mind was elsewhere."

"Quantum physics?" Holly joked.

He laughed, "No, something a little more concrete." He looked at her and his lips twitched as if at some private joke.

"Right. So, are they together then?"

"Claudette and Pierre?"

"No, Butler and Minerva."

"Oh. Yes, yes they are. Have been since before we came back from Hybras, in fact."

"Wow." Holly looked impressed.

"Can't say I blame her," Artemis said thoughtfully.

"Butler _is_ rather amazing," Holly agreed.

"Oh, no, I meant being attracted to someone older. Someone stronger. Someone you can ..." he shrugged, frowning at the distant horizon, "... trust, I suppose. Not to belittle Butler's many other talents, of course."

"Of course." Holly bit her lip, looking up at the sky.

Silence descended again.

"Look, Artemis—"

"Holly, I—"

"Sorry, you go—"

"Please, continue—"

They stared at each other for a moment. Artemis gestured for Holly to speak.

"I was just going to say that if you have someone that you'd rather be ... seeing ... right now, you don't need to stay for me. I just wanted to say hi. You know, catch up a little."

Artemis smiled wryly. "There's no one I'd rather see, Holly."

"Oh." The elf scrutinized her toes rather fiercely.

"May I kiss you?"

"_What_?" Holly's head shot back up.

He was standing very close to her all of a sudden. "I'm much better at it now, I promise." His face was open and shockingly earnest.

"That's not really the—"

"Please," he said, beginning to smile. "It's my birthday."

"It's August 26th," she huffed. She wanted to take a step back but there was nowhere for her to go. "Are you really _that_ drunk?"

"To be honest," he said, "I feel extremely sober all of sudden." He came closer still, his cheek nearly touching hers, and spoke into her ear. "Please."

She shivered. "Artemis," she swallowed, her throat dry.

He kissed her cheek, innocently, the way they did sometimes, and his thumb traced her jaw.

"I play for keeps," she said at last putting her hands up against his chest, though whether it was to keep him away or to draw him closer was unclear. "And I've never liked sharing."

Chuckling, he raised his head to look at her. "You won't have to."

"Really? Because it certainly sounds like—"

"I've been practising?"

"...Not quite what I was thinking."

"It's like I said, Holly," his thumb was still running along her skin, "there's no one I'd rather see."

She worried her lip again, looking away from him.

"Just once, Holly."

She peered at the paling horizon a moment longer before turning back to him, eyebrows raised. "Really, Artemis? You took your clothes off for Claudette and Pierre but I'm only going to get _one_ measly kiss?"

Artemis blinked.

* * *

He swept his work off the desk with one arm, the other holding her to him. Her legs were around his waist and she kissed his neck, working her way up to his earlobe as her fingers struggled with his tie. Successful, she whipped it off him, throwing it into the shadows around them. The desk was cold against her back and she shivered as she cursed his buttons, her impatient fingers slipping. As she struggled, he kissed her and kissed her; the zipper of her uniform coming open easily. Their movements were frenzied, their kisses greedy. Holly ripped his shirt in the end and he yanked her one-piece off together with her jumpsuit. They let everything fall, heedless of how or where it landed, desperate to touch the other's skin.

She sat up on the edge of the desk to undo his belt, his hands in her hair as they kissed. Her feet pushed his trousers and pants down and he stepped out of them, kicking them away, his hands tightening on her thighs, bringing her ever closer.

He could feel the heat radiating from her as he dipped her back towards the desk, fingers splayed at the small of her back. The fingers of his other hand slid up her inner thigh and into her until she moaned, her back arching, her breasts straining towards the sky. He felt his heart stutter as he looked at her. He lowered his head and kissed her breasts to distract himself from how much he loved her. Taking his mouth away he blew on the hardened nipples and she gasped at the sudden cold. Her body bucked beneath him, demanding, and he withdrew his fingers from her. She reached down to help guide him in. It was his turn to gasp.

The desk creaked below them, protesting, and her nails drew lines up the white skin of his back. His breath was erratic. He slipped a hand under her head, cradling it gently; the single tender gesture amid the violence of their hunger.

She cried out when she came, and he pressed his face to her skin, wanting never to come; wanting forever to be so close to her, his body pressed to hers, nothing but sweat between them.

Of course, he did in the end, and sobbed softly as he did so.

Her arms wound around his neck, holding tight. Their breathing came in gasps. He shook and shivered in the aftermath of his orgasm and felt her do the same beneath him. He had come undone again and found, for the first time, that he was glad he had.

"Stay with me," he murmured, raising his head.

She nodded, and her smile was so full of love that he looked down - suddenly shy.

* * *

He carried her to the bed, unwilling to let her go. She clung to him, arms around his neck, legs around his waist. But he was older now and, while still not strong, strong enough for this.

"I won't drop you," he said, vaguely indignant.

"I know," she told him, nuzzling into his neck. "I'm not worried." And he smiled, his ego mollified.

The bed was soft and they both sighed as they lay down. She chuckled, rolling onto her side to look at him. With one finger she traced a line under his left eye.

"Do you miss it?" he asked.

"Sometimes," she nodded.

"I've considered wearing a contact lens," he admitted.

"Really?" She looked genuinely surprised. "Why don't you?"

"I thought you'd make fun of me, to be honest," he said. "It would have been such an obvious gesture."

"Foaly and Mulch might've, but I wouldn't have." She ran her hand along his collarbone now, following the ridge of bone up to the knob of his shoulder. "Secretly, I'd've been pleased."

"I'll bear that in mind," he said.

"Do," she smiled, sitting up. She looked down at him, his pale, delicate body stretched out below her. His body was like his hands, she thought: long and thin and fine. She lowered her head and kissed the pink circles of his nipples. He shivered and laughed a little breathlessly, the sensitive skin ticklish under her lips.

"How long have you been waiting to do this?" she asked.

"Longer than I care to admit."

"Why?" She looked down at him. In the dark her mismatched eyes were indistinguishable from each other.

"Surely that's obvious," he said.

"Maybe, but I want to hear you say it."

"Because I love you." He didn't look away. "Because I loved you before I even knew that that was what I was doing."

Holly licked her lips, those dark eyes unfathomable.

"And your excuse is?"

She smiled a little. "Surely that's obvious."

"Holly."

She brushed damp hair from his forehead. "Because I love you. Because I have loved you despite the fact that I knew exactly what it was I was doing."

"Stay with me?" he asked again.

"Silly Mud Man," she said, one hand coming to rest on his cheek. "That's all I've ever wanted to do."

His arms came around her and slowly, gently, they came together again, no longer hurried, no longer desperate. Their bodies curled and curved and came ever closer the one to the other; until they were neither one nor the other but both again as they had been once before, long ago. And at last, slick with sweat and soft with love, they fell asleep.

* * *

"Sorry I'm late, Artemis, I—" Minerva checked herself in the doorway.

The room was a disaster. There were clothes everywhere, several chairs lay on their sides, and all the books and papers which had once lain on the desk had been swept to the floor. Wound in tangled sheets, two people lay sleeping on the bed; one lay on his back, the other on her side, curled in towards his skinny ribs, her head resting on his chest. One of his hands lay in her hair.

"—will come back another time," she finished, closing the door quietly behind her as she went.


End file.
